Obviously there’s awareness of each of these objects, “you” are aware of all of these objects, but the “you” that’s aware of all of these objects is never findable and is not even a subtle object; it is not any thing at all.
All the teaching which speaks about experiencing Consciousness is a metaphor; it is not literally true. You can recognize or realize that Consciousness or Awareness is you, the Subject, and you can realize or recognize that Consciousness is aware of experience, but you can’t actually “know” or “experience” Consciousness Itself.
When attention turns to find out what’s aware of everything, then what is realized is that it’s not possible to sense Consciousness as an object. Even if you felt a sense of infinity, that’s still not Consciousness. Rather, that’s the expansion, the side effect that happens when you look.
Throughout the exercise, I’ve been reminding you that you are the Subject. Obviously, there’s a “you” that’s aware of experience, a Subject that’s aware of everything, but what that “you” is, what that Subject is, is not knowable. It’s not findable. It’s not possible to identify it if you take the stance that you are separate from it. There is only recognizing that you are being it, and then in being it there is nothing to say.
It starts to become a kind of infinite regress if you try to use discrimination any further in the same way. Going back and forth between seeing this limit through discrimination and then letting go of the discrimination is very helpful. It lubricates the whole being. It has a huge effect on everything.
This is the mystery of being conscious; we are ultimately un-findable but obviously aware. The Subject is un-findable because it is outside the field of the senses. Because of this it cannot be sensed, only realized. We already always are it. It’s never actually experienced in itself. Yet it is who we are! It is the basis of our entire lived existence but it can never be touched! It’s amazing that so few people ever check to see who’s minding the store. Everyone walks around acting as though they know what they are, but no one checks.
Seeing this, we cannot even say whether the Subject (you) exists or not. The category of “existing or not existing” doesn’t even apply to what you are. All of the language about this is metaphoric, it cannot be spoken about directly; it is beyond language. We can’t really say that the Subject is present, but here we are! Sri Ramana Maharshi used to say; “Will anyone doubt their own existence?” The Subject is obviously not absent, but it can’t be found. Buddhists challenge themselves to find anything like an actual self.
This is why throughout sacred history, “The Subject” (or lack of one) has been referred to in so many contradictory ways. What is recognized has been called “Atman” or “The Self” (because it’s the Subject, our intrinsic nature). What is recognized has also been called “Anatman” or “No-self” (because it’s not ever findable). We can’t even say exactly that “it” is “there” or “not there” because only that which is in the field of the senses can be known to exist or not to exist.
Like light, Consciousness or Awareness cannot, itself, be seen but it illuminates all that is seen. We experience light only by seeing its reflection as the objects that it illuminates. This is the formless Light of Consciousness, your own deepest Subjectivity; in this sense it is your own deepest Self.
(From The Tapestry of Being, Chapter 2 : You Are Freedom Itself)
It took me no time at all to notice that this nothing, this hole where a head should have been was no ordinary vacancy, no mere nothing. On the contrary, it was very much occupied. It was a vast emptiness vastly filled, a nothing that found room for everything—room for grass, trees, shadowy distant hills, and far above them snowpeaks like a row of angular clouds riding the blue sky. I had lost a head and gained a world.”
― Douglas Harding